Second Thots

Sometimes one has to step back, take pause, and have some "second thots"

Friday, October 22, 2004


Is Paul Martin a Canadian bigot?

Canadians have a reputation, much of it self-indulging, as a people of moderation, inclusiveness, diversity, and open-mindedness. We like to see ourselves as being able to get along with anyone, no matter where they're from, what their culture is, or what values they hold dear. Unless, of course, you take Prime Minister Paul Martin, and you happen to be from America, Argentina, or Belgium.

You see, our noble-minded Prime Minister, protector of the virtues every Canadian holds dear, and purveyor of everything noble and righteous about Canadian morals and values, seems to think certain areas of the globe just don't quite cut it as far as he's concerned. And he's not going to shy away from telling it like it is. There are Canadian values, sure. But to heck with them when it comes to certain repugnant and devious places on this planet.

First on his axis-of-shame is Argentina. When he's not busy boasting about our fair-minded and open society, Paul Martin is sticking it to the country that gave us Evita and Maradona. In telling us about what a financial disaster Canada was before we were so lucky to have him save our bacon, he spares no frankness in pointing out who we avoided becoming. Yes, you guessed it, that armpit of the world, Argentina. If Paul Martin didn't slash health care before giving back the money again, if Paul Martin didn't buy us used subs that have trouble crossing a bath tub, Canada would sink so low as to become the country Paul Martin so loathes and fears. Thank God we're Canada. Thank God we're not Argentina.

Second on Paul Martin's hit-list of nations is America. According to Mr. Martin, you can have very expensive social programs like we have in Canada, or you can have low taxes and Armageddon like they have in the States. But you can't have both. No sir. You can't try to do more with less. You can't try to have your cake and eat it too. Damn it, we must keep throwing money at our programs. We must not allow for anything new or innovative. We must not have even the hint of something that isn't Liberal or Liberal-made. No. If we even suggest the very thought, we'll become just like those dreaded Americans. And we open-minded and inclusive Canadians can't tolerate such a dreadful thought. We're Canadian. Surely, that's enough.

And now comes along Belgium. How dare they have a constitutional arrangement different from our perfect little set-up? How dare they try to throw their Belgian waffles in our direction? Don't they know who we are? We're Canadian, and nobody does it better than we do. Sure, we have lousy subs, lousy helicopters, and lousy jeeps, but none of that matters when we have asymmetrical arrangements and a Throne Speech that doesn't use the words, "as demanded by the Premier of Quebec," in it. "Those silly Belgians," says the Prime Minister. They just don't know who they're messing with when it comes to tolerance, decency, and fair-play. We're number one. Belgium is somewhere below that. They have to be, they're not Canadian, according to our leader, Prime Minister Martin.

So, there you have it. Prime Minister Paul Martin has again saved the day. He's prevented us from becoming horrible Argentina. He's prevented us from becoming miserable America. He's prevented us from becoming arrogant Belgium. He's preserved everything everyone knows is great about this wonderful country of ours. And to hell with those other bastards. We're Canadian. That's all that matters.

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